Dear Revan,

Your father can be a judgy bitch.

Especially when it comes to new music from artists that I love.

On Friday last week, North Carolina’s first musicians since John Coltrane, The Avett Brothers, released a new album.

And I can’t listen to this new album without judging it like it’s on trial against the Spanish Inquisition.

I’ve felt like every album Rick Rubin has produced with them for nearly 14 years has been overproduced, or lacking what their early rambunctious, punk-infused folk/Americana rock had at its core.

And this new album, like their last, leaves me wanting to forget 95% of everything they released after what I feel was their pinnacle with Emotionalism.

Rev, music is a huge part of my life. And I can thank your Nanna and Pa-Paw for that.

I struggle at times as a fan though to enjoy or even fathom that an artist I adore can attempt to grow and try new things.

No! Just give me more of what I love. How dare you try and stretch your creativity.

And I won’t lie, that’s how I’ve felt listening to this album this morning.

But there’s a song I have on repeat right now. I’ve probably listened to it 30 times already.

And it holds the most important truth about life in its lyrics.

A truth, Revan, that your mother and I will try our hardest to never let you forget.

Life is filled with mistakes. And you’re going to make so, so many in your life.

Mistakes that you feel make you less than as a person. Mistakes that you fear could spell disaster.

For me, many of those mistakes were internalized as shame.

Shame for:

• mistakes I made
• who I was, or who I wanted to be
• thinking or doing things differently than my family
• not living up to others’ expectations of me.

Shame. Shame.

Good Lord kid there was so much shame.

Breaking down that shame, bringing it to the surface so I can heal it has been some of the hardest, if not the hardest, work I’ve ever attempted.

The Avett Brothers reminded me of this truth we hope to instill in you.

Here’s the the final song of their self-titled album.

Please listen to the lyrics:

Revan, no matter what happens in life, no matter where you go, no matter what you do, or no matter who you feel you are on the inside, I hope you remember these three words:

You. Are. Loved.

I wish my family had been able to say that to me.

Instead, I was more often met with shame at home, in church, and with friends.

Shame is a viscous, black, soul destroying substance that steals your internal divinity.

And like how I spread butter on your morning toast, the world we live in is so good at spreading shame.

It seeps into you. Leaves you feeling mushy.

It shifts your perspective.

And it can destroy the true essence of who you are if you let it. Or if you allow others to infect you with it.

The lyric I keep coming back to is this one:

Even in tragedy
There lies divinity

Part of the reason this lyric stands out to me is it is the heart of what A Course in Miracles teaches (a life philosophy your mom and my life coach Nick Tillia follow).

This has been the biggest lesson I’ve learned in the last year, Rev.

No matter the mistakes I make, no matter the hidden parts of me that I discover, no one can take away my divinity.

I am good as I am. I am not broken.

Even when things seem to go wrong, or if times get tough, who I am is not defined by my mistakes.

And my hope as a father is to pass that truth along to you.

You will make mistakes in life.

But those mistakes do not define who you are.

Because you are loved.

You are never wrong for being or trying to find who you are.

Even if someone claims you’re trying to be like someone else, that’s okay.

Sometimes we find others who help us discover a deeper truth about who we are so we can live a more truthful life.

I was made to feel ashamed by my grandmother for acting like my father or acting like my friends instead of being who she thought I was, or who she wanted to mold me into being.

And for years I internalized that shame.

That shame put on many coats and showed up in numerous places in my life.

My hope Revan is that your mother and I never shame you for who you are or what parts of you you’re working to discover.

I hope that I never judge you or anything you do like I judge new music from artists I love.

So I’ll wrap this letter up Revan by repeating the final lyrics of We Are Loved.

If we deny it
Or if we face it
May we embrace it
We are loved

I hope you never deny who you are. I hope you never feel you have to hide anything from us.

I hope you’re able to embrace every facet of who you are without shame.

And I hope above all, that you remember that no matter what Revan: you are divine just as you are because you are loved.